"Once upon a time was Kate. She was white as flowers, warm as sunshine, wild as whiskey and swinging like a lamp.”
I’m coming to the startling realization that it’s been far too long since I’ve asked myself, "What do I want? What am I looking for? In life? In friends? In a partner?” I am staunchly who I am, whether you take me seriously or not. I’m an open book. There is no fine tuning my attitude for the atmosphere surrounding me. I’ve always wondered how that came so seemingly easy to most people. It’s like they have this magical power I was born without - the power to integrate. I’m a muggle in a world where only the cool kids get to go to Hogwarts. I’ve been trying desperately to smother my personality for years now. Sometimes in little ways, like refusing party invitations, and oftentimes in bigger ways, like encouraging others to control my life for me. I’m older, and perhaps more refined, but ultimately I’m still an obnoxious little cunt who’s greatest pleasure is drinking in the afternoon and stumbling through the city. When I try to rope myself in, hoarding every little piece of my insecurity close to my chest, my psychoses eventually burst through me in a spectacular array of lightening, wine, and twisted sheets. I want to find exactly what it is I do want. I will go to stupid parties that give me anxiety and I will ask strangers if I can practice my stethoscope skills on them. I want less explosions and more of a slow burn. I’m 23, and I’m still only beginning to wonder if I know myself at all.